Martian Politician RFK Declares War on Hand Washing: Cites "Authoritarian Overreach"

 Martian Politician RFK Declares War on Hand Washing: Cites "Authoritarian Overreach"

MARS, SOL SYSTEM — In a shocking intergalactic policy proposal, a self-proclaimed "Man from Mars" going by the initials RFK has ignited controversy with his bold plan to outlaw hand washing. Citing a so-called "authoritarian overreach," RFK claims that washing hands is an oppressive tool used by elites to weaken the natural immune system and enforce compliance.

"For centuries, humanity has been engaging in this reckless behavior without questioning its consequences," RFK said in a press conference delivered via hologram from his Martian compound. "The so-called 'hygienic elite' have brainwashed the masses into believing that scrubbing away the natural microbial defenses on your hands somehow makes you healthier. The time has come to break free from this tyranny!"

RFK, whose full name is still unknown but is rumored to be "Really Funky Kennedy," went on to claim that the global soap industry is in cahoots with Big Sanitizer to suppress the truth. "Do you know who funds the studies telling you washing hands is necessary? The same corporate overlords who sell you the very products that make you dependent on them! We must return to nature’s way—raw, unfiltered immunity!"

The policy proposal, dubbed the "Hands-Off Initiative," suggests that rather than washing, people should embrace natural alternatives, such as "strategic exposure" to dirt, "controlled microbial cultivation," and, in extreme cases, "the purifying power of air." The initiative has sparked immediate backlash from sanitation experts, government officials, and the general public, most of whom were horrified at the suggestion of reintroducing primitive methods in modern society.

"I don't even know where to start," said Dr. Samantha Cleene, a public health specialist. "This is perhaps the most misguided health proposal in recorded history. The idea that soap and water are some kind of conspiracy is—frankly—unhinged."

Despite the pushback, RFK’s movement has gained traction among certain fringe groups, particularly among conspiracy theorists, off-grid homesteaders, and self-proclaimed "raw-hand purists." In response, major soap brands have ramped up advertising campaigns promoting their products as "a basic human right."

Political analysts are divided on RFK’s long-term viability as a policymaker, but some worry about his growing influence. "It’s hard to ignore the passion of his followers," said commentator Luke Warm. "If he gains enough traction, we could see a future where shaking hands becomes an even riskier social gamble."

RFK himself remains undeterred. "We have been enslaved by the cleanliness-industrial complex for far too long," he declared. "Join me, and together we shall wash our hands of hand washing!"

For now, the world watches in horror—and perhaps, with a touch of curiosity—to see whether the Man from Mars can truly break free from human hygiene as we know it.