Wiping should be outlawed

 Wiping your butt is a dangerous act that is anti-american. I believe anyone caught wiping their butt, taking measles vaccines, or saying the word "gay" should be sent to GITMO.

MARS, SOL SYSTEM — In a shocking intergalactic policy proposal, a self-proclaimed "Man from Mars" going by the initials RFK has ignited controversy with his bold plan to outlaw butt wiping. Citing a so-called "public health crisis," RFK claims that wiping is the root cause of numerous modern ailments, including irritable mood disorders, low vibration frequencies, and an alleged "deterioration of the human microbiome."

"For centuries, humanity has been engaging in this reckless behavior without questioning its consequences," RFK said in a press conference delivered via hologram from his Martian compound. "The so-called 'hygienic elite' have brainwashed the masses into believing that smearing around fecal matter with tissue paper is an improvement over the natural, self-regulating process of planetary bacterial symbiosis. The time has come to break free from this tyranny!"

RFK, whose full name is still unknown but is rumored to be "Really Funky Kennedy," went on to claim that the global toilet paper industry is in cahoots with Big Bidet to suppress the truth. "Do you know who funds the studies telling you wiping is necessary? The same corporate overlords who sell you the very products that make you dependent on them! We must return to nature’s way—free-range elimination!"

The policy proposal, dubbed the "Clean Break Initiative," suggests that rather than wiping, people should embrace natural alternatives, such as "strategic scooting" on dewy grass, "controlled wind exposure," and, in extreme cases, "the cleansing power of the sun." The initiative has sparked immediate backlash from sanitation experts, government officials, and the general public, most of whom were horrified at the suggestion of reintroducing primitive methods in modern society.

"I don't even know where to start," said Dr. Samantha Cleene, a public health specialist. "This is perhaps the most misguided health proposal in recorded history. The idea that toilet paper and bidets are some kind of conspiracy is—frankly—unhinged."

Despite the pushback, RFK’s movement has gained traction among certain fringe groups, particularly among conspiracy theorists, off-grid homesteaders, and self-proclaimed "raw-bottom purists." In response, major toilet paper brands have ramped up advertising campaigns promoting their products as "a basic human right."

Political analysts are divided on RFK’s long-term viability as a policymaker, but some worry about his growing influence. "It’s hard to ignore the passion of his followers," said commentator Luke Warm. "If he gains enough traction, we could see a future where shaking hands becomes an even riskier social gamble."

RFK himself remains undeterred. "We have been enslaved by the wipe-industrial complex for far too long," he declared. "Join me, and together we shall wipe out wiping!"

For now, the world watches in horror—and perhaps, with a touch of curiosity—to see whether the Man from Mars can truly make a clean break from human hygiene as we know it.